In my youth I was subjected to an insurmountable amount of bullying. I constantly came home, looked in the mirror and loving myself was impossible.
My mother did her best to make me feel beautiful and loved but when you are exposed to hateful rhetoric, for no apparent reason seven hours a day, nothing can really change it. I would be ostracized until I decided to take control of my identity in the 10th grade.
I made a huge decision to shave my hair in a mohawk. I began to speak up whenever necessary and I was no longer being tortured by my peers. It was one of those moments in life that bookmarked a confidence I was not aware of.
I was only out as a lesbian for about a year before changing my appearance. I was only in one relationship, which was the definition of hot and cold, and my number of friends was about two. I was also very quiet; anyone could bulldoze me and I would just lay there. I had no voice and my identity was in shambles.
I battled my own mind in ways no one can imagine. I never said the reasons why I felt so broken and lost but my mother knew there was something. I had a lot of shame in reference to my sexuality and gender identity. I am a masculine-presenting woman and for the most part have always been. Finally becoming confident in my body and sexuality birthed a version of myself I couldn’t let go of until my 20’s.
I was no longer sweet and I thought the more people that “loved” me the more important I was. This is something a lot of kids deal with but as a masculine-presenting, lesbian woman, I became a bulldozer. I spent many years attempting to control a narrative that spoke for itself. I had a bad home life and school was my playground to do as I please, truly not loving myself completely. Only loving the version of me I could create out of the fragments left behind.
While exiting my teens I no longer had an audience to watch. I had myself to reflect upon. I still couldn’t fathom one relationship. I sought after bad attention that could distract me from myself. I decided to become celibate, which lasted almost two years and in that timeframe another rebirth occurred. I thought giving parts of myself to people was the only way to love and be loved, whether I wanted it or not. I wrote more in that time than I ever have before. I no longer wanted to be who I was in the past and felt I could rewrite my future.
Within each evolution I found something else to love about me. This was not without reflecting on the shame I held on my back. I turned what I felt was a weakness to a strength. My next evolution would occur in the storm of a manic episode, leading to shaving my hair and finally shedding shame. My hair was something that defined me throughout each evolution, from the Mohawk to an eventual curly afro and finally a shaved dented, scared buzzcut.
As I looked in the mirror I relived and let go of other people’s definition of my existence. My voice mattered more than anything, even in the middle of sadness beyond definition. I defined my future in that moment. Bullies no longer rang in my ears, making me feel unworthy. I could live, breathe and be anything my heart desired.
After that day I became someone my past would not recognize. I spoke at a rally for George Floyd and every soul that was taken over the summer due to police brutality. Over 3,000 people were in attendance and I was terrified, but I spoke with power beyond my wildest dreams and had the crowd roaring with love. 12-year-old me would not have thought she could overcome such cruel experiences. I am everything I needed, those nights crying so hard I could not breathe.
If there are four sides to the fence of life, I’m currently on my third and my fourth is in the making. I was the bullied, the bully and now forever the advocate. I had some of the darkest moments of my life destroy a future of happiness and joy that felt unreachable. If ever there be a moment you needed right now to live longer than your mind tells you, right now is that moment. It took years to love myself and provide grace for the moments that I fall short of my own expectations.
I am an Afro-Latina lesbian woman that loves what I represent and will do everything in my power to bring people to that same level of love. Whether you are figuring yourself out or trying to find your tribe, the days will come and be longer than any sadness you lived. My voice became untouchable when I realized it is just as important as those that make a difference through your TV screens. I guess I managed a decent rewrite for the world to witness. At the end of the day, when everything is quiet and you’re left to reflect on yourself and your decisions know that it all begins and ends with the same thing and will forever be love in its purest form.
Bryana Saldana (She/Her/They) is a 25-year-old Afro-Latina poet born and raised in Orlando. She had her first published poem through “For Women Who Roar” and seeks to relate to issues surrounding the Black, woman and queer experience.
