Every year, as various holidays open the door to families, friends and chosen allies, we come together and celebrate the season’s shindigs. For many, especially those who live far away from their families, it is the ideal moment to spruce themselves up, clean up their smiles and prepare for that picture-perfect portrait. More often than not however, that snapshot perfection is shrouded in yearlong, and sometimes decades-long, struggles that seem to dissipate the minute we light up that pumpkin spice candle wick.
A few weeks ago, during a conversation with a friend regarding upcoming Thanksgiving dinners with family, we safely shared what it was like to suck it up and show up to these family affairs. What we ended up realizing is that the reality for so many people around us, if you are somewhat estranged — either because of your marital status, custody agreements or the too common being LGBTQ+ within a conservative family setting — is one that could be construed as no less than difficult.
In the midst of approaching back-to-back holiday family affairs, we cannot help but sometimes feel like stuffing ourselves, not only with the starchy sides, but with the feelings of rejection we carry from bigoted family members. In times when more and more of us feel not only the need, but the pressure, to speak up against hypocrisy and thinly veiled discrimination, the only way I can Lovehandle this sort of holiday truce starts with compassion.
Yes, I know I seem to bring the “c” word up more and more to heal or soothe emotional distress, but in the case of this holiday truce, I want you to consider giving yourself compassion first rather than giving it to somebody else. Hear (read) me out. For many of us estranged LGBTQ+ individuals, to navigate uncomfortable circumstances when it comes to social settings is not new. It is a situation we have faced before or possibly were even raised in. We grow up being bullied, beaten up, spat on (I’m personalizing here) and looked on with disdain. I know we’ve all been there, which is why it makes even more sense that the first person who should receive your compassionate treatment is your own self. The very reason we, as a community, are so capable of uplifting and offer solace in times of grief, provide support to those in need and organize around an issue to stand up against it, is because we know what it is to be oppressed, to be shunned from our homes and to find in ourselves the gum
ption to stand back up and make a life for ourselves; a life that we know works for us, rather than what works for those who will never see us as equals.
Interestingly, one of the motivators for us to come back to our familial interactions is the fact that, fortunately, there is oftentimes that one family member who loves us unconditionally, which is why we make our return to the shaky field of forced handshakes, hugs and uneasy life catch ups that fill up uncomfortable voids when left alone in the room. Wouldn’t it be perfect if everyone would think like that family member who loves us and/or stands up for us? In a perfect world, yes; but in reality, we all have to deal with those who choose to be bigots against our very unchangeable nature; or should we?
Whenever you read the word “compassion” most of us may think of the church, religious activities or prayers, when in fact compassion is a human capability, not an inherently exclusive skill for religious people. Compassion feeds our hopes, loves and dreams, and if you allow me to say, compassion can also exist with a good sense of egotistical care. This selfish trait I am trying to advocate for has nothing to do with the selfishness we are used to that can wedge in detrimental consequences, but rather a wise selfishness that precludes those with the unconscious (or conscious) intention to harm us, to be disarmed instantly. Nothing disables a rotten spirit more than an immovable compassionate stance, and in the meantime, you may experience how true compassion works for the self.
This selfish compassionate stance requires commitment and a consistent deal of reminding of what your priorities are when in these holiday circumstances. If you have decided to attend one of these family affairs, facing unreasonable relatives, you must stay true to the real reason for your showing up, which is not about the one or two bigoted people, but because of yourself. You deserve to take up those spaces with your full self in their presence, and those who truly enjoy having you in their lives deserve to see the full tenacity of your compassion, and how much we are the real reason to celebrate the holidays.
Truces are commonly employed by families (and countries) around the world, whether to stop the everyday hostilities or to take a moment to stop and think about what is really worth fighting for. Truces are also supposed to be bilateral, and sometimes we need to strap a good amount of selfish compassion for ourselves and skip one holiday or two, and that is perfectly fine. If that is what your soul needs today, please do that, and be kind to yourself during these times. You do not need to share space with those who do not know how to love you because, truth be told, it is a reflection on their own incapacity for self-love. With this compassionate selfishness, I want you to prioritize yourself, and take up the space you need to show those around you why the holidays are truly worth celebrating.
Happy Holidays, Lovehandlers!
