At the end of 2022, Oscar and Grammy Award-winning singer/songwriter Sam Smith, who identifies as nonbinary and uses they/them pronouns, posted to their 14+ million followers on Instagram photos of them enjoying a holiday on a boat wearing only bikini bottoms.
The comments section started to get hateful when several internet trolls started commenting on Smith’s weight. The attacks worsened when one of them posted the photo on Twitter with the caption “Looking like a walrus.”
Many supporters and fans came to Smith’s defense calling out the bullying and body shaming. Smith, speaking with the British publication The Sunday Times, talked about their struggle with body dysmorphia and how they are now “happier in my own skin.”
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Bullying and verbal attacks from internet trolls is nothing new but something that was concerning to many of Smith’s defenders was the amount of trolling that was coming from other members of the LGBTQ community, specifically gay men.
“A lot of gay men think too much of themselves and think they are God’s gift to the world and that every man wants them,” says Kirk T. DaVinci. “I’ve had experiences where I was name called, I was belittled, talked about; all of that. I ‘ve heard that ‘no fat, no fem’ stuff.”
DaVinci, who is an openly gay, plus-size performer, calls himself a drag male lead entertainer.
“That means I’m a male that performs male songs,” he says. “I love to give back to the community and I love drag. I love entertaining.”
DaVinci, 37, competes in pageants and is the current Mr. Polk Pride. He has 16 pageant titles, one being a former Mr. Tampa Pride. He is also currently on the DeLand Pride executive committee as the special events coordinator chair.
“Being a male entertainer and a comedian, I have this jovial spirit about me,” DaVinci says. “So I like to talk to people and meet people, but when I try to approach someone, and it happens a lot, I’m looked at like ‘noooooo, you’re a big boy’ or they just walk away from me as I approach them. Even if I’m not trying to talk to them in a romantic aspect, they just walk away if they see me walking toward them or even just in that direction.”
Mike Halterman grew up a Navy brat, settling in the Tampa Bay area where he attended the University of South Florida. Halterman, who is also 37, says he started to gain weight as he started to move into his middle school years.
“It was probably around the time that we had lived in Japan,” he says. “We were stationed in Japan for my fifth, sixth and seventh grade year. I was putting weight on and just never went the other direction, it just kind of went up from there.”
Halterman says it can be tough for larger guys in LGBTQ spaces when you are trying to meet someone you might be able to connect with.
“They look at you weirdly when you’re bigger,” he says. “It’s so hard to explain to somebody who isn’t big what that look is because they’ll think ‘Oh, you’re just making it up in your head.’ It’s an experience I wish I could replicate for someone so they knew what that was like.”
“I’m lucky enough to be somebody who is comfortable with their body,” says 39-year-old Diego Larenas, “but I also know a lot of gay guys who are larger and are not as comfortable and who are scared and I mean, in some cases, even suicidal.”
Larenas says there have been situations in LGBTQ spaces where he was shamed just for being there.
“It’s really sad that some people make a full judgment on me before they even know me,” he says. “Not even the sense of I want to be with you, but in the sense of you don’t even want me around you.”
Larenas recalls an event he attended where everyone “all had the same body type” and he was made to feel like he shouldn’t have even come there.
“It’s like, where does that come from? Where does that negative energy come from? It’s never been something that’s my narrative,” he says. “I’ve never looked at somebody and said to them, ‘I can’t hang out with you or be around you because of how you look.’ That feels weird to me.”
Anthony Chiocchi, who is better known by some as the plus-size, bearded drag queen Bearonce Bear, has been performing for 12 years now.
“I have struggled with weight almost my entire life,” Chiocchi says, “and when I started performing everyone was looking to be heroin chic, that look where you can basically see everyone’s collarbones. It was like the plus-sized queens were looked at as the old queens, and I came in with this different aesthetic.”
Chiocchi says back then, when he was in drag, he got some pushback but not because of his size, because of the beard — “bearded drag wasn’t as prevalent as it is now” — and when he was out of drag, he was the “funny, fat friend” in his group.
“The community — not just the gay community — but the human community sees plus-sized people as the funny sidekick,” Chiocchi says. “We’re the ones that are always wanting to go eat. We’re the ones that always make the joke. We’re the ones that are always the butt of the joke, we’re the supporting actress, and all we want is just to be loved.”
Chiocchi recalls a drag performance he once saw with plus-size queen Lolita Chanel while they both were performing in Fort Lauderdale.
“There was probably 150 watching the show, myself included because I was done performing, and she performed a song called ‘Funny Fat Friend’ by Maddie Zahm,” he recalls. “I looked out and there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. I wish everyone would listen to that song because it literally hits all of the points of how media portrays plus-sized people, how others see plus-sized people.”
Carving out Safe Spaces
Halterman says when he started to go out in college he was meeting members of the LGBTQ community that guided him toward safer places for someone of his size.
“The very first bar I went to had a reputation of accepting people of my size or larger,” he says, “places where I really felt comfortable being myself and being comfortable in my own skin.”
One of these spaces, Halterman says, is Sawmill, an LGBTQ camping resort located in Dade City.
“When I went there I just felt like I could just shed a lot of my insecurities,” he says.
A writer, Halterman says getting into LGBTQ media also helped him to find those safe spaces.
“I was able to make my own place in the community,” he says. “There was no way for someone to make me feel bad about myself because I already had a place there. I made it, I made that place.”
Carving out spaces that are safe and accepting is extremely important for marginalized segments of an already marginalized community. The “bear community” is a segment of the larger LGBTQ community that is seen as an accepting and open space for those men who are larger in size or prefer to date larger men. In some cities, the bear community has their own bars, or LGBTQ clubs that cater to the general population will have bear-themed nights. There are also dating apps and websites dedicated to the plus-size community.
“I went to Parliament House after I came out for my 23rd birthday,” says Larenas. “I had never been before and I really wanted to go but I had that voice in my head that said because I’m a bigger boy that I’m not going to meet anyone or be approached. Then this guy came up to me and said ‘you’re beautiful,’ and I was like ‘wow’ because I had never heard that before in my life.”
Larenas says the guy turned him onto the website BiggerCity, a “dating and community site for gay men of size and the men who love them.” He says the site opened him to the world of gay bears.
“When he first told me about it I thought it was a bar or club or something like that,” Larenas says, laughing. “So I Googled it and found it was a website and I’m like, ‘Wait, there’s a whole world of men who enjoy larger men and I didn’t know.”
The bear and plus-size communities have expanded their accepting spaces over the years, developing their own events including Big Boy Pride, Bear Week events and Tidal Wave Party, to name a few.
“We live in a world where society tells us that we aren’t seen as the norm,” Larenas says, “and what I also have found is that guys who like big boys like us tend to have to have two coming outs: They come out as gay but they also have to come out and say I like bigger boys and the thickness of it all and all that stuff.”
Bear-focused places and events help “chasers” to meet the types of people that they are attracted to.
“They are areas where you feel more comfortable because it’s not about a perfect body,” Larenas says, “it’s a much more inviting community.”
While spaces where large men and those that enjoy dating larger men are important, Chiocchi says it is important to recognize the difference between dating plus-size men as a preference and fetishizing them.
“I have found a lot of guys who say they are into dating big men are actually feeders who want to fetishize them,” he says.
A “feeder” is someone who dates plus-size individuals and encourages them to get larger.
“If that’s your kink then go for it, I am not about shaming anyone,” he says, “but I’ve noticed too many plus-size men doing that because they feel like that is the only way that they can achieve love or compassion.”
Chiocchi says that comes from years of “being looked at like we’re the circus freaks and being knocked down.”
“Like, literally, do you, boo. It’s your life. You have nobody to answer to except for yourself,” he says. “If that makes you happy, that makes you happy, but make sure you’re doing it to be happy. Don’t be gaining weight because that’s what’s on trend or because you think that’s the only way to keep the guy in your life.”
Fitting in
Just as with visibility and acceptance in the community, challenges exist for plus-size members of the queer community in fashion.
“There are not a lot of clothes we can wear,” DaVinci says. “As an entertainer, I have to have most of mine custom made.”
“Locally, there is literally one place to get nice clothing for bigger men and it costs an arm and a leg,” Halterman says. “I should not have to pay $75 for a nice T-shirt from a brand that makes them for $30 for a skinny person. I go when I absolutely have to but I can’t spend an entire paycheck there.”
Because of a lack of affordable clothing for those who wear larger sizes, Larenas started a T-shirt line.
“It’s called Cheeky Bear,” he says. “I started it with my best friend because I would go shopping and if I could even find shirts in my size, they would charge so much more for them compared to the smaller sizes.”
In some places, Larenas says he would see medium- and large-size shirts for $30 and the exact same shirt in 3XL and higher was $89.
“They were more than doubling the price for the same shirt,” he says.
Larenas says Cheeky Bear offers affordable T-shirts up to size 6XL for the same price as the medium size shirt.
“We just celebrated our one-year anniversary in October and it has been an incredible ride,” he says. “I didn’t realize until we started selling Cheeky Bear shirts that so many people felt the same way I did with fashion and not being seen in that space.”
Being you for you
DaVinci, who came out 20 years ago, says at his heaviest he was 486 lbs. but that he has lost some weight and is still working on losing more.
“I’m always going to be a big guy,” he says. “I don’t think I would even look right if I was super thin and skinny but I’m working on me because I want to be healthier and I’m still in the process of getting healthier. Me losing the weight that I have, and the weight I’m still looking to lose, is for my health not because I want to obtain a certain look.”
“There are all kinds of body types,” Chiocchi says. “And all bodies are built different. You have people who are dealing with being overweight and they want to lose it, and there are people who are trying to gain weight, then you have people whose body weight will yo-yo back and forth. Whatever body type you have or want to have make sure you know who you are and what you are worth.”
Larenas adds that if you want to make changes to your body, make sure you are doing them for yourself and not someone else, and if you love how you look then celebrate that.
“I’m not ashamed of my body size,” Larenas says. “When I look in the mirror, I’m not like, ‘Oh, I wish I was something else.’ I had a point in my life where I did do that but I had this moment of self-acceptance like, how am I gonna hate my body? This is my body. I don’t have shame. I’m okay with the fact that I have a big chest, and a big belly, and a big ass and all that stuff. Thickness is good.”
“There was always this traditional look,” Halterman says. “You could say the media created it, or society, or societal prejudices, or what-have-you; but there’s a certain look and people who are bigger aren’t always it. I do feel like in the last 10 plus years you have seen more people of all sizes confident in who they are. It’s something very beautiful to witness.”
Final words
“When I was in LGBTQ media, one of the things that really drove me was knowing that everyone has a unique story to tell and like that includes everyone,” Halterman says. “That doesn’t include just pretty people. That doesn’t include just smaller people, and I feel like if everyone is more willing to open up and hear stories, not only do we learn and we grow, we make new friends.”
“We are human beings,” Chiocchi says. “We are not a circus show, we are not to be fetishized, we are not to be displayed as your trophy. We are human beings that are lucky to have a little bit of extra weight during the colder days.”
“We’re all great people, we’re all amazing people. We’re not these big, scary large men,” Larenas says. “It’s so weird to me. Up until about a couple years ago, I never had any friends that were bigger boys. They were always just my regular-sized gay friends and then recently when I started to go to these events and when I started to be a little bit more prevalent within the community of bears and chubbies, I started to have all these chubby friends and it’s been beautiful. Having that camaraderie and having each other is an amazing thing and I feel like a lot of people are missing out on these great personalities, these great people.”
“It can harden the heart if someone is repeatedly telling you that you’re ugly, you’re fat,” DaVinci says. “All of that can hurt you but remember that you are loved. I live by the motto ‘live life, love life, have individuality.’ Be yourself and don’t try being someone else. There are people who do love us and do care about us, and even if someone tells you they don’t all you need to do is love yourself.”
