The week leading up to the election was my toughest, which began with the sad truth of the people you love the most don’t live forever. It left me with a distorted sadness mixed with hope of a greater future for queer people.
My grandma is the most precious soul and being I have ever experienced. We are similar in which our hearts are still shown, and we have a “don’t lose hope, yet” kind of mentality. My queerness was never shamed with her, it was celebrated at any given moment. She often encouraged me to do anything my heart was set on. She has been my beacon of the goodness in the world despite all the ugly. Although she has Jesus as her light and I found art to be mine, this never kept us from loving each other deeply.
She lived during a time that being queer is something that people hid for fear of being harmed. She never felt that way though. She had queer friends from all walks of life throughout her entire life. She has told me stories of her days in New York and the adventures and people she connected with. Her idealistic love for everyone deeply is engrained into my being forever. It is something that propels me, gives me patience and helps me grow. My grandma always made me feel loved and held in my saddest moments. The terror she lived through created an extraordinary love that I am grateful for.
With that being said, I know many queer people do not have family that accept them no matter what. This is even scarier at a time where community is the most important element for survival. It is difficult to rationalize people we may know, voting to destroy a little bit of the freedoms we spent many years fighting for. A collective terror washed over us. Some of us are scrambling to marry the people we love for fear our rights will be taken from us. Others are seeking a place in this unforgiving world to create our own families in. Many don’t have the luxury of either of those ideas, only survival.
Queerness lived in a closet for so long, how can we be asked to go back in when we can finally have fresh air?
I am curious about what everyone in this community is trying to do, which leads me down social media rabbit holes. We are collectively at a loss for words, we are all seeking some sort of guarantee that our lives won’t be uprooted in the most violent of ways.
I am privileged enough to have a safe space in my relationship. The news of possible law changes has propelled us to get married as soon as we can. Although we already planned to marry one another, this change has us making the decision sooner. As queer people we are only as safe as we feel and unfortunately the feeling is like the tide. It touches your feet and makes you feel something greater than your troubles.
Sometimes there are moments when you recognize the mutual gay agenda happening. For me, it is witnessing more tattooed, masc women on TV and film. My younger self is so pleased to see such representation, or even just queer families outside. Both are dreams of mine. Other times you witness youth perpetuating the only thing they have known, and violence ensues. It is a difficult balancing act. I am afraid for us, truly. I wish we were treated equally but sometimes I feel it’s a losing battle if everyone doesn’t understand the persecution we face. The idea that we will lack the freedoms and privileges we have been able to obtain so far is unimaginable to me.
I am not sure if the changes that are coming will bring us back to the era my grandma grew up in. Back to the times when we had to placate to the heterosexual gaze to feel a semblance of safety. I hope there are more people like my grandma than I know of. I hope you have a beautiful family to unfold into in your time of need. I hope you have everlasting love even if you don’t choose marriage. I hope nothing will ever be as bad as it feels it will be. I can’t help but have written this with tears falling. Reading it back to myself as I quiver. I will do my best to not allow this fear to paralyze me. I think all we can do is hold on tight and make the best of the world we are given. Love always and forever.
Bryana Saldana is an Afro-Latina poet born and raised in Orlando. Saldana had her first published poem through “Women Who Roar.” Saldana’s pronouns are She/Her/They.
Watermark reached out to other LGBTQ+ and ally voices across Central Florida and Tampa Bay who asserted the community is “Not Helpless. Not Alone.” Read more here.
