2.26.15 Editor’s Desk

To my 14 year old niece:

The same year you were born, 2000, I decided to leave my Midwest home state and move to Florida.

While my “official” reason for leaving was the writing job I landed at a Southwest Florida newspaper, there were other reasons behind my decision to move south. I feel it’s time you know the rest of the story.

The reason I bring this up now—15 years after my move—is that my sister, your mother, shared that you had a negative reaction when you learned about your uncle. She answered your question honestly when you asked her recently if I was gay. According to her, you were “upset.”

I don’t know if that involved tears, a tantrum or a mixture of both. But if that was indeed your reaction, I can understand why. It’s a horrible feeling when you realize the people closest to you have kept an important secret—especially about someone you love.

When I first shared this secret with your mother, she and I were both upset. I knew the family wouldn’t react well to the news and that by coming out there would be sacrifices. She knew that her brother wouldn’t fill the role she had always envisioned for our future.

There was disappointment, I suppose. But I knew I had to be true to myself.

Of course even before you were born, I realized I would miss out on the day-to-day activities of being a fun uncle. Not because I wanted to miss out on your life, but because I was told my role would be reduced because of who I am. I have missed a lot, which is upsetting.

I missed the tension and excitement in the hospital leading to your birth and the celebration that followed after you entered the world. I never had the opportunity to see you in a school play or in the church’s Christmas production. Heck, I’ve never even attended one of your birthday parties or spent a Christmas Eve with you or your younger sister.

So yes, it’s very upsetting to think that I missed all of that simply because I’m gay.

So if these are the reasons you are upset. Please know that you have my sympathy, my shoulder and my ear. Because I can very closely relate to your disappointment.

But please understand this: Don’t be upset simply because I am gay. I am who I am and there is no explanation needed beyond that. Don’t be upset because I will never marry a woman and introduce you to an “aunt.” And don’t be upset because of the horrible things you’ve been taught in church about what it supposedly means to be gay. I attended that church once, remember, and I guarantee, most of what you’ve been told is false.

I am the same uncle who roughhoused for hours with you at your grandparents’ home when I would visit on long weekends. I am the same uncle who drank imaginary tea with you and your collection of stuffed animals during your entertaining tea parties. And I am the same uncle who makes you laugh at stories about your mother as a child and a teenager.

None of that has changed.

What has changed is that you finally have a real example of a gay person in your life—not some fabricated illusion created by a man hiding behind a pulpit or a Hollywood writer looking for laughs in a sitcom. I promise you, I am not nearly as exciting as the two versions created in those scenarios. But I am a much more honest representation of what it means to be a gay American.

I hope you take what you have learned about me and use it productively. I hope you ask me questions and finally get to know the real me—not just the edited version of me that has presented to you for your 14 years.

If you truly want to get to know your uncle, take the opportunity to do so. When we next meet you can choose to make it awkward. Or, you can choose to embrace the uncle you finally truly know.

If you choose the former, that would truly be upsetting.

—Uncle Steven