I made the mistake recently of telling my therapist that while I had always hoped to grow older gracefully, I didn’t think I was fully living up to those expectations.
He did what any good therapist would do and gave me the homework of describing what I actually meant by that, which I’d like to share here.
There was a season of my life after my HIV diagnosis in March 1992 when the concept of “growing older” didn’t seem to be in the cards. When I was 31, I had a doctor tell me that it was unlikely that I’d live to see 40.
Now at 63, I’m a proud long-term survivor and a walking talking miracle of modern medicine and personal treatment compliance. My HIV specialist recently said to me, “you realize the health issues you face now have nothing to do with HIV and everything to do with that fact that you are old.” Thanks, doc.
My long-term survival, while truly remarkable, has put me in a situation where many people my age are doing things that seem inappropriate to where we are. Things like planning for end-of-life strategies which is something I already did… 30 years ago, when I thought death might be imminent.
It’s hard for me to accept that I’m getting older when I escaped a death sentence earlier in life. My former HIV-positive partner and I spent enormous amounts of money traveling to exotic locations in in our late 30s in what we thought was going to be our retirement. I feel like life’s normal progression is out of whack and honestly I’ve struggled with it. I suspect many other long-term survivors feel the same way.
It occurs to me that there two main areas of concern when we focus on aging gracefully, the physical and mental.
Many of those who know me know I like to be in control. I like to think I don’t cross into becoming a “control freak” but I’d be lying if I told you I was always successful. That’s what makes the physical concern such a challenge. I have little or no control over the seemingly endless barrage of physical changes which all seem to be contriving to remind me of advancing age.
Some are gradual and leave time to adapt, like how I’ve started occasionally using a cane when my balance isn’t as good as it used to be. Some are rather sudden. I was 30 years old before I had my first tooth cavity but when they went bad in my 50s it was abrupt and complete. As a result I had to adapt to dentures suddenly and with very little time to incorporate what that meant to me. I felt like I went from middle to old age in a week. I’m pretty sure this was me not aging gracefully.
As with many other physical changes I’ve had to listen to an AA message that says acceptance is the key to all my issues.
Accept some things yes, but the Serenity Prayer also says to have the courage to change the things we can. There are some things I can do to at least mitigate the changes. For instance, my new Medicare Advantage plan includes membership to a nearby gym. I need to take advantage of that. This past year I struggled to march the entire Pride Promenade, so I’ve already started training for next year.
There are a number of seminars and programs held by the Gulfport Senior Center, like regular sessions that help with balance. I need to avail myself of these. Also, there are a number of great exercise YouTube videos. I don’t have to sit around and watch my body fall apart, I do have at least some control here.
The mental side, while it can be tricky, is where I feel I have more of that all-important control. Here I have role models I can follow. My dear activist friend Winnie Foster was showing up to Occupy and other political demonstrations well into her late 90s. Another member of the “Occupy Elders” was a 90-something man who would show up with a “We are the 99%” bumper sticker on the back of his electric wheelchair.
I need to realize that while my body is changing my values and my beliefs are not. As I get older, I would love to be known as the “quirky old Quaker guy” at protest rallies and political gatherings. Regardless of my age I plan to continue to be part of all sorts of progressive movements. I have a fire that burns brightly for social activism and I have no intention of letting age get in the way of that.
One last thought, because I read entirely too much science fiction. With the blazing speed of innovation in AI, Quantum Computing and Bioscience there is actually a real chance that aging may be halted before I die. Other forms of immortality may be just around the corner in computer-biology interfaces.
Personally, I’m striving to live long enough for my consciousness to be uploaded to a virtual utopia of my own choosing. Why not? It wouldn’t be the first miracle I’ve seen in my life. Maybe I’ll see you in an ageless future!
Greg Stemm is a longtime resident of Pinellas County and a founder of St Pete Pride. He is an outspoken activist on many issues, including HIV/AIDS education.
